


Reminiscence

by Commander_of_Justice



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Carmilla/Ell Backstory, F/F, POV Carmilla, hollstein fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 09:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5492804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Commander_of_Justice/pseuds/Commander_of_Justice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey you, what are you doing here? I thought you had plans." Laura said. I could hear her shuffling around before grabbing the book (I assumed because she still had another class to attend) she was looking for from her side of the room. I could tell by her tone that she was a bit confused to see me, but I knew she wasn't about to make a big deal out of it.</p>
<p>"I lied." was all I said. Just like that, the guilt for lying to my girlfriend so blatantly...not to mention for being such an emotional wreck over a girl I dated almost a century and a half ago...flooded over me and it only made me feel even worse than what I was already feeling. I curled up tighter into my little ball. I knew I probably should explain why I lied, but I couldn't bring myself to find the words that didn't make me sound as broody and pathetic as I felt. </p>
<p>------</p>
<p>It's been 143 years to the date; the day that Ell died. After all these years Carmilla still can't let go of Ell, but perhaps finally telling her story to Laura will help her heal and move on</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reminiscence

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm Mello and this is my first Carmilla fic! I'm gonna keep this short, but I got this idea while rewatching season 1 (When Carmilla is tied up and Laura is playing with the sock puppets to tell Carm's backstory). This story basically describes what Carmilla was too pained previously to tell, her relationship with Ell. So far, this is pretty fun to write. By the way, my very close friend, Becksthewolf, helped me out with this. We RolePlayed the chapter out first before I converted it to a story, so she deserves credit. I'm always open to ideas, so if you have one or just a random comment, feel free to submit it :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> -Ju$t!ce

I was a mess. I knew that much. I woke up in a bad mood upon realizing what today was and I spent most of the day hiding from everyone. Granted, I was sitting in my bed in the dorm room I shared with Laura, but after meeting up with the Cupcake and the ginger squad for lunch (only because Laura wouldn’t stop pouting whenever I said no) I told everyone that I was going to some punk rock concert and would be gone most of the day. I doubted anyone would try to come looking for me. Today was never a good day. Even though it was over a century ago, this was the anniversary of Ell's death. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely happy with Laura; the Cupcake is the best thing that ever happened to me. However, I had to admit to myself that I still missed Ell. As much as it hurt, I could handle being hated by my first love, but I felt responsible for not doing more to save Ell from the horrible fate she suffered. Curling up in a ball, the book I was trying to read long forgotten, I closed my eyes tightly while trying to will the tears away. I have no idea how long I was laying like that, but I figured it was at least a couple hours because I heard the door open and soft footsteps enter the room. I smiled faintly into my blankets when Laura’s light scent filled my senses

"Hey you, what are you doing here? I thought you had plans." Laura said. I could hear her shuffling around before grabbing the book (I assumed because she still had another class to attend) she was looking for from her side of the room. I could tell by her tone that she was a bit confused to see me, but I knew she wasn't about to make a big deal out of it.

"I lied." was all I said. Just like that, the guilt for lying to my girlfriend so blatantly...not to mention for being such an emotional wreck over a girl I dated almost a century and a half ago...flooded over me and it only made me feel even worse than what I was already feeling. I curled up tighter into my little ball. I knew I probably should explain why I lied, but I couldn't bring myself to find the words that didn't make me sound as broody and pathetic as I felt. I could hear Laura walk over to me and I felt the bed dip slightly as she sat beside me. I could feel myself relaxing, though only slightly, after Laura rested her hand on my back.

"You lied?" She repeated questioningly. She was silent for a few moments, probably trying to piece together why I had done such a thing. I was half-expecting a lecture, but Laura surprised me when she just started to rub small circles on my back. "Are you okay? Would you like some cocoa or some blood?"

"Not hungry...or thirsty. Thanks though." I sighed, sitting up and brushing my hair back out of my eyes. "I just needed to be alone for a while. I'm just...brooding, I guess. It's stupid." I said, glancing at Laura. Sometimes it was ridiculous how much Laura acted like Ell. At times I have to remind myself that Ell is gone and the dorky journalist isn’t her because it can feel like they were the same person to me. Shaking my head, I brought myself out of my thoughts and rested my head on Laura's shoulder. "I lost Ell today...well, today 143 years ago." Laura shifted herself on the bed so that she could wrap her arms around me and kissed the top of my head gently.

"If you still need to be alone I can let you, but if you would like me to stay, then I'll stay." Laura offered, her voice soft but loving and understanding. The tears started to return and I quickly squeezed my eyes shut. I can’t understand how she is so okay with this.

"Can...Can you stay, please?" I asked in an uncharacteristically soft voice. I felt bad that I was making Laura miss her class, but just having my beautiful Cupcake holding me was slightly making me feel better. I could almost _feel_ the love that Laura had for me and, even though I am far from the type of person to curl up and cry over something, it was enough for me to realize that I don’t always have to be the strong one.

"Of course Carm, I am not going anywhere." Laura answered, kissing the top of my head again. She kept one arm wrapped around me while the hand of the other ever so gently ran through my hair. "Do you wanna talk about Ell? I know you’re not one to spill your feelings…I pretty much have that covered in our relationship,” I couldn’t help but scoff softly, the corner of my lip twitching in a light smile. Laura caught it and smiled back. “But it might help." I snuggled closer to Laura, absentmindedly drawing circles on Laura's thigh because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I felt fidgety and I had to do something with my hands...as wrong as that sounds…so I settled with just drawing invisible patterns on Laura.

"Depends,” I answered, feeling Laura trying her best not to squirm under my touch. Gods, she was ticklish pretty much everywhere. “How much of the story do you wanna hear?"

"I have time to hear whatever story you want to tell me, Carm. Maybe tell me about you and Ell's first kiss or the first adventure you two went on together. I am sure you had plenty of adventures." Laura replied, still trying her best to hold still while I traced my finger along her knee. I thought about it for a moment before nodding. Maybe it was time to get this all off my chest.

"Alright, then. Buckle up, Creampuff. I'm finally gonna tell you about Ell..."

_**~~~~R~~~~** _

**_Spring 1872_ **

_1872\. Probably the most eventful, for lack of a better word, year I had experienced so far in my entire 192 years of…existence. As much as I wanted to set sail to North America, New York specifically to see the brand new Metropolitan Museum of Art, Mother insisted that I stay in Austria. It had been about two decades since our last sacrificial game, so I knew that Mother wasn’t going to change her mind. I didn't bother to fight her about it. My sister, Matska (though she preferred Mattie), Mother, and I were to attend some ball for gods knew what..._

_…Which is where I found myself presently. Dressed in a black corset that flowed into a black dress with a tasteful lacey design, I stood by myself by the wall drinking a glass of wine while I waited for something to catch my interest. I was glancing around the room with a bored expression. I never had fun at any of these damned events. Aside from luring an innocent girl to her certain doom every two decades or so, I just didn’t enjoys balls or galas. Perhaps it’s PTSD because I was murdered at a ball, but at this point, I couldn’t bring myself to really care._

_That’s when I saw her, my breath (not that I really needed to breathe) catching in my throat. The beautiful maiden with honey blonde hair tied up in a fancy braid and bright eyes. Her dress was blue and had sparkly lace on it. It was obvious that she had been given the dress, probably by a father or uncle, in hopes to impress potential suitors because she looked around my age…the age I looked, I mean. Eighteen or nineteen. I watched as she looked around and made her way to the food table, examining the extensive options of wine and champagne. Behind me, I could feel Mattie’s presence. She started to say something, but I pretended not to notice her presence and found myself walking towards the girl that had captured my attention._

_"Allow me, milady." I said smoothly as I slowly approached her, picking up a glass of wine and offering it to the girl. "I do think you will like this one." The girl smiled at me, nodding as she accepted the glass I offered her._

_"Well thank you, I don't believe I've tried this one before." Her voice was soft and sweet. I was almost sure I was about to die again and go to Heaven. What the hell was wrong with me? The maiden looked me over for a moment before taking a sip of the wine and letting out a little cough. "Hmm, it does taste good." She replied. I knew I should say something, but nothing came out. I was almost tongue tied, so speaking properly on my own accord was challenging enough. Finding sly words to play along with Mother’s game was next to impossible. Name. My name was probably a good start._

_"I'm..." I tried to remember the ridiculous name I was supposed to be using in this decade, but couldn't remember. Honestly, I didn't quite care to remember either. I was certain I had used every possible anagram to my name (that sounded like a believable name, at least) and I was too lazy to make up a new name. I offered a genuine smile, something I was sure I had long forgotten how to do. "I'm Mircalla. What shall I call you, milady?" I was certainly going to be in trouble for using my real name._

_"I'm Ell, just call me Ell. Mircalla is such a pretty name." The girl answered, giving me a warm look before glancing out to the dance floor. "Would you, by chance, like to dance?" Ell asked, looking hopefully to me. My gaze had gotten lost in Ell’s bright blue eyes and it took me a moment to realize she was still speaking. I smiled and returned the warm look, gently taking Ell's hand and slowly brought it to my lips._

_"Ell, a beautiful name just as the woman it belongs to." I smiled charmingly. "I would be honored to dance." I answered, gesturing towards the dance floor with my free hand and led Ell towards the other dancing couples. Ell set down her cup of wine and followed me to the dance floor._

_"You are rather charming, aren't you? A divine beauty with silver tongue that could charm even the most deadly of snakes." Ell teased, laughing while giving me the fondest of looks. I could tell she was enticed. However, I wasn’t doing anything to toy with her head. Ell was of sound mind. I found myself genuinely flirting with the maiden and she was genuinely flirting back. I let out a laugh towards Ell’s teasing, winking at her._

_"Perhaps. It is just not every day a delightful fair maiden allows me a moment of her time for a dance." I mused, facing a giggling Ell when we got to the dance floor. Still holding Ell's hand, my free one moved to rest on the blonde's waist. I hesitated slightly and looked at the pretty girl, making sure my touch was okay. Ell nodded and interlaced our fingers together, her free hand resting on my shoulder as we danced._

_"Well, maybe if there were more fair maidens like you around, I'd have a reason to dance with them. You seem unique." Ell said, giggling softly again._

_"Ah, but alas I'm no one special. Just a humble girl dragged to a ball by the will of her suffocating mother." I chuckled, my dark eyes adverting from Ell's almost shyly. I still couldn't quite figure out what the hell was wrong with me because I was never shy. There was something different about Ell, something beautiful and innocent that I wanted to protect. Ell nodded sympathetically to my statement._

_"Alas my guardian dragged me to this ball as well. I am supposed to meet eligible bachelors and suitors." Ell said sighing softly. It was clear to me that it was not her wish or desire at all. I smiled and shifted my gaze back to the human girl. A mischievous smirk started to form on my red painted lips._

_"Might I make a suggestion, milady?" I mused, lightly twirling Ell around before gently pulling her back against her body. A light blush crept upon her cheeks. "Let us escape this dreary ball. We can chat with only the moon as company and dance under the star dusted sky." I whispered. Ell thought about it, hesitating._

_"Alright, I think that sounds like a wonderful time. Let us go quickly before I lose my nerve." Ell replied._

_"Not the type that usually goes behind your guardian's back?" I teased playfully before giving her a reassuring smile. "Worry not, I promise you will not regret it. Should we be caught and you find yourself in trouble, I will take all blame for it was my idea." I promised, gently taking Ell's hand and guiding her through the crowd so we wouldn't be caught. I was actually rather surprised that Ell was following me. So surprised in fact that I thought I had inadvertently slipped into my luring routine. The only thing that convinced me otherwise was Ell’s shyness about sneaking away. If I had started luring her, she would have been all too eager to be alone with me. Behind me, I could feel Ell grip my hand a little tighter when some gentleman bumped into her. She tried to stay as close to me as possible so she wouldn’t get lost._

_I led Ell outside into a small, secluded area, close enough to the building yet far enough away from the public’s eye. It was like a little garden or a small courtyard. I honestly didn’t care what it was called. It was quiet, save for the faint sound of the party music in the background, and the scene before us was beautiful. The bright moon in the cloudless sky provided us with plenty of light and the stars glittered above us. There was a warm, gentle breeze and I couldn’t but take in the fresh spring air. Oxygen was still unnecessary, but the smell of spring brought a calm and refreshing feeling to me._

_“Tis a lovely evening.” I mused while I glanced up to gaze at the not-quite-full moon. Ell held onto my arm and leaned into me._

_"It is a lovely evening, but not as lovely as present company." Ell mused shyly and inhaled the fresh air as well. I could feel her relax and it was then I knew that Ell was enjoying the spring as much as I was. "I do love the spring time. It’s a time of a new birth, a fresh beginning." I smiled and turned my head to look at Ell. For a second time, I felt my breath catch in my throat. I already thought Ell to be absolutely stunning, but out here under the moon’s light Ell looked more a timid goddess of the night. Her honey colored hair seemed to almost glow, the sparkly lace of her dress glittered with every breath she took. Beautiful could not even begin to describe her. She didn’t seem to notice my staring, so I smiled at her and used my free hand (because she was still holding onto my other arm) to gently tuck a stray strand of her soft hair behind her ear. I wanted to say something, but for once I was speechless as my fingertips gently caressed her cheek. I could feel her skin heat up with a shy blush and I smiled more as my fingers ghosted down her jawline before I let my hand fall back down to my side. I could tell she wanted to say something, so I patiently waited. “So…um…w-what’s your favorite season?” she asked softly, her blush deepening only slightly. I chuckled softly, taking a moment to think about. I never had really thought about which season was my favorite._

_"I have to say winter. There is a great beauty that very few people choose to see." I answered. "Underneath the biting cold, there are glittery snowflakes that float down to dust the Earth's surface. Then the glittery dust builds up into a fluffy powder that sparkles under the sun when no man has tread through it." I explained almost poetically. Ell blinked for a moment and then slowly a smile broke out across her features._

_"That is a good season, there is a beauty to it I hadn't thought of before. Not all things die in winter, some just fall asleep." Ell mused. I nodded, grinning lightly._

_"Precisely. Then spring comes along and reawakens all that which fell into the wintery slumber. It rebirths that which have fallen victim to the frost and cold." I mused, finding myself gently caressing Ell's cheek with the back of my hand again. "There's beauty in everything, Ell. You just have to see past what you normally would allow yourself to believe." Ell leaned into my touch, trying to get closer to me._

_"You have to be the most interesting person to ever cross my path, Mircalla." Ell whispered, turning her head to brush her lips against my hand. It was my turn to blush. I could feel the slightest heat rise to my face and I gave Ell a warm look._

_"You have proven to be delightful company yourself, Ell." I murmured. It was then I realized how close we really were to each other. I didn't want to seem like I was aiming to take advantage, nor did I want Ell to feel uncomfortable. So I took a half step back before offering my hand to Ell. "May I have the honor of another dance? I do believe I promised you one under the stars."_

_"I would love to dance with you, Mircalla." Ell answered. Her tone suggested that she was rather surprised I asked. However, the look in her blue eyes made it clear that she wasn’t about to turn me down. "If my chaperon could see me now he'd be having a fit." Ell joked, laughing as she stepped close to me and wrapping her arms around my neck. I laughed as well and rested my hands on Ell's waist._

_"I can imagine. I'm sure he was thinking that you would be off with some strapping young fool of the opposite gender." I said with amusement in my tone while they danced to the faint sound of the party music. "I will be honest. My tastes are rather different as far as romantic partners are concerned. I believe that a lady should be cherished as the blessing she is, not as some prize to the first suitor that pines after her affections."_

_"I have only heard of people who prefer the same gender in passing. I didn't think I would ever meet someone with such preferences. It's not approved of as you know, but I suppose it's fitting. You're dark and mysterious, Mircalla." Ell whispered, almost in…awe? I had long accepted my sexuality, but for the first time I actually felt shy and nervous about it._

_"Any other circumstance, I wouldn't ever care about what others would think. I have always been an outcast of sorts." I gently bit my lip. I have also never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but… "But everything is different with you. You are beautiful and gentle and kind. You know what I am, yet you choose not to cast me away.” That was undoubtedly the most ironic thing I have said tonight…quite possibly the decade. And yet, my mouth kept moving. “Again, I will be honest. I am attracted to you, Ell, but you have my word as the stars and moon are shining above us that I will not do anything that would make you uncomfortable." I continued, locking my dark eyes with Ell's lighter ones. Ell stared at me for the longest moment and then ever so lightly brushed her lips against mine. Once again, I could have sworn I died a second time as I kissed her back. After several blissful seconds, the kiss ended and we were again staring into each other’s eyes._

_"I am attracted to you as well. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon." Ell spoke, her words soft and inviting. I lit up, beaming at Ell._

_"You are the sweetest girl I have ever had the pleasure of meeting." I whispered honestly, bringing one hand up of gently caress Ell's cheek. "I don't really want this night to end." I admitted._

_"I don't want it to end either. Perhaps you could come visit me sometime at my palace." Ell suggested, which confirmed my suspicions that Ell came from a prominent family in her village (the first hint being the fancy dress she was wearing, the second being the way she eloquently spoke, and the third being that she was at a ball to begin with). "I would like very much to see you again, Mircalla."_

_"I think I would like that very much." I replied in response to her invitation, leaning in for another kiss._

_"Miss Ell!" Someone called. We both jumped back from each other slightly, though we were still holding hands. "Miss, where have you gone?" Ell let out a breath and I chuckled softly when I realized we hadn’t been caught._

_"I think they have realized your absence." I mused. "Allow me to escort you back to your guardian. I'm sure my mother and sister are searching for me as well.” Ell nodded and took my arm._

_"Will I see you again?" Ell asked with a soft and hopeful tone, letting me escort her back to her guardian. A feeling of dread shattered through my body as the question left Ell’s beautiful lips. However, I smiled fondly at Ell so she wouldn’t suspect something was wrong._

_"Perhaps you will. Who knows? It may be sooner than either of us think." Ell nodded and squeezed my arm gently before hurrying to her guardian._

_"Goodbye, Mircalla!" Ell called. Even with the distance between us, I could see her blue eyes glittering in the moonlight as she called out my name. I smiled and waved to Ell, watching as her guardian rushed her back inside._

_It took all of my self-control not to scream and hit something. Of all the girls in this damned party, it had to be_ her _. If you are confused, perhaps I should explain. Mattie, as you know, had been trying to tell me something before I blatantly ignored her. The thing is Mattie didn't have to say a word. I knew what she was going to say. I just didn’t want to believe it. We were here because Mother’s game had been reset. We attended this ball to find our targets. I don’t know what deity I had the misfortune of pissing off, but clearly it was getting its revenge._

_Ell was my target._

_In three months’ time, she will be dead._

_I can’t let that happen._

_**~~~~R~~~~** _

Laura was watching me with wide eyes. During my tale, she had gotten up and grabbed a package of cookies to eat while I spoke. We were now sitting next to each other, our backs against the wall with our feet hanging over the edge of the bed. Laura set the cookie she was about to eat back into the plastic tray with the other cookies and held my hands.

“Wow, Carm. That sounded like you had a wonderful time that night.” I simply nodded. I was starting to choke up and I didn’t trust my voice to speak. Laura seemed to catch on and leaned over to kiss my temple. “You don’t have to tell me anymore stories of you don’t want to.” I shook my head.

“I’m fine. I just need a minute.” I assured. I stood and stretched. I walked over to the mini-fridge and pulled out my “Soy Milk” container, also grabbing a clean(ish) glass and poured myself a cup of blood. I wanted Laura to know about Ell. I was tired of having her being a touchy subject whenever I hear her name. Yes, I loved Ell. She forever holds a piece of my heart, but she is gone. I’m not going to let my regrets and anxieties get in the way of building an equally beautiful relationship with my cookie crunching, nosy journalist girlfriend. Why? I smiled as I took a sip of blood.

_‘Because Laura has a much bigger piece of what I call my heart. Maybe this just what I need to get over Ell.'_


End file.
